year of tackling my fears: on cracking open

In the final hours of 2019, I sat in a fire lit sanctuary with other quakers silently waiting to hear a word from the divine or our inner truth or God. My astrology teacher had been warning us for months about what was to come for the collective in 2020, one historic transit after another. I was naive about what was to come but I was reminded in all that silence of where I had been, what a miracle my survival was, and what gratitude I held for those who have nurtured and held me. What a gift it was for me to feel love and to be loved for and by people I trust. I was surprised when I burst into tears because I decided that I was going to hold all of the people who I was emotionally and psychologically scarred by and forgive them one by one. Forgive the ghosts they have become in my head and release their subconscious hold on me I didn’t know was still there.

I had no idea at the time how much that moment would be a catalyst for growth in 2020. I didn’t realize how many stories I needed to tell and unlearn. How this unintentional project of spending time each month releasing my fears little by little was an incredible gift in discipline to myself. An incredible gift in playing with what I could control when I have felt so powerless. I became committed to face a fear every month through daily practices.

I have so many stories to tell and even if they are just for me, they are worth every minute that I am finally able to write.

This practice of transforming my relationship to my fears is just one story but it is a story that carried me throughout one of the most globally traumatic years I have lived through. It was a privilege to be able to commit to my healing in this way, I recognize it is not accessible to everyone.

I had forgotten all that I had worked through but after digging through instagram this was my trajectory:

January: Fear of asserting boundaries with my body & fear of being present in my body (I did 30 days of Yoga with Adriene and abstained from drugs and alcohol)

February: Fear of dancing (danced on IG everyday)

March: Fear of poems (read poems and posted ones that made me feel less afraid)

April: Fear of performing music (started learning the ukulele and played a song I was learning everyday)

May: Fear of my belly (posted a photo of my belly and a reflection daily)

June: Fear of rest (practiced resting and posted a reflection daily)

July: Fear of my inner child (connected to my inner child and posted reflections daily)

August: Fear of being alone (refrained from habits that distract from loneliness like social media and impulsively calling my friends)

September: Fear of believing in myself and actualizing the future (posted my desires everyday)

October: Fear of grief (processed grief publicly)

November: Fear of Intimacy (analyzed fear and processed publicly)

December: Fear of community (processing trauma around community)

Having this daily practice, even in the months that were most emotionally difficult, was a comfort to me and I want to share and invite anyone who wants to begin their own practice around healing their relationship with fear to DO IT. Maybe in this way, or maybe in a way that works best for you!

I did not know when I started in January with daily yoga or not drinking that it was going to turn into this. All I knew was that I didn’t want to stop doing the hard things that were good for me once I started. I want to share that the accountability of social media was *essential* even if I knew no one would notice that I skipped a day of dancing- which led me to dance in the airport, on college campuses and all the other places my job took me before the pandemic.

I did not have a plan at any point about what my next fear month would be. I didn't plan it out far in advance. Many times, I laid in bed at 12:58pm on the first of the month asking myself, “what am I afraid of, now?” In the beginning, my fear reflections were public but by the end of the year they became more and more private, existing on my close friends. Because this practice was shared in community I thought it was only fit if my reflections of it were too and so I birthed this blog hours before the end of 2020.

I did not conquer any of these fears. I am not healed from social pressure or of making art or of asserting boundaries. 28-31 days is not nearly enough to unlearn capitalism's hold on productivity in my body or to erase my relationship with internalized fatphobia but I do have a healthier relationship with fear. I do have a better ear for listening to myself.

I want to thank the folks who were a part of the ride, who reacted, who responded to my monthly ask of “what do you not want to be afraid of anymore?” and to the folks who joined me in their own month-long projects on fear. Shout out to my friend, Haze, who started giving me Ukulele and voice lessons and to Ewan who asked me why I don’t prioritize my art.

I do not know yet what I will be doing in 2021 but I am committed to being in deeper reflection on what this year has taught me, to live more authentically, to tell the truth and to free myself.